Advocate of Circumstance

We all know the saying of being a victim of circumstance, this is someone who suffers bad consequences due to situations or factors that are out of their control. I used to be one of these, I used to pity myself deeply. And truth be told some days I still do, I can feel sorry for myself with the best of them. I get angry with the world and this disease, just everything that comes with it. These are the minority of the days though, I have chosen to be an advocate over being a victim.

Being the victim

Now, it is not always a bad thing to be the victim in your own story, but only for a little while. It makes you dig a little deeper in the folds of who you really are. I think that it gave me a deeper understanding of who I am and where my boundaries are within myself. I honestly never thought that I would find myself in some of the emotionally low places that I did. Some of these places I have returned to over the years, others have changed and one of two I have destroyed over time, leaving a sign on the door that says: NO ENTRY.

There have been long days of self-doubt, and self-pity, I have been angry and screamed to the mountains and sea, the eternal question. WHY ME? What did I do to deserve this terrible disease? I have even tried bargaining, I am never too sure who I think is going hold up the other end of this bargain. In desperate moments I have promised crazy things to the skies. Anything, I will do anything, just please take this away. Make the pain stop. Change how my skin looks. Please just make the anguish stop. The list goes on.

Rising again

Somewhere in my weakest moments, I have always found my strength. When I have begged and pleaded, and shed many tears into the ocean. A beautiful silence always follows, and a quiet voice in the folds of my soul slowly raises herself from the floor. She unfolds her stiff limbs and stretches gently and smiles that familiar smile. The voice that resides within it, she has saved me many times, she wraps her arm around me and whispers in my ear: “Come, on sweetheart, you got this. Let’s dust you off. You don’t belong on the floor.” I quietly allow her to take my hand and I allow her to guide me back to my present moment.

Choosing to be an advocate

I choose to advocate for myself, to fight for myself and everyone else who suffers in silence. I love joining hands with people, knowing that we are bound in the same common cause. I choose to teach people about our disease rather than allow ignorance to run rampant. Goodness knows there is enough of that in the world today. It is not always easy, but it sure is worth it.

I have chosen to rise, to be stronger and more resilient. By choosing to stand tall and proud, spots and all is better for me than being a victim of my circumstance.

Knowing what I do now, I am frightfully aware of the fact that I needed to hit rock bottom to find this strength within myself. Some days I don’t count my steps and I stumble and fall right back onto the floor. It is a humbling reminder to stay true to myself, and when I feel my time there is down, that warm voice of love from within my soul, says: “Rise, you do not belong on the floor.”