An Ode to All the Psoriasis "Cures"

It’s been a weird day today. I’m at home, sick with some dastardly cold virus. It’s been one of those days where Netflix has to prompt “are you still watching?” I’ve started at least 3 new Netflix shows because if you hover over them too long, they just start playing, and I can’t be bothered to press the “back” button on my remote.

Having decided I needed a Netflix break (but too sick to switch to anything productive), I decided to spend some time fruitlessly scrolling through my social media. They say that inspiration comes from unexpected places. Today, for this article, it came from my Facebook newsfeed.

The many examples of unhelpful advice...

And so, today’s article is brought to you by the letter “D.” “D” for Donkey soap, and all the other things I’ve been told will cure my psoriasis.

Dear friends and internet strangers: I so appreciate that you want to help, that you want to share what worked for your Mom’s dog sitter’s little brother who had dry skin that looked like psoriasis and was cured by only eating rice for a month.

I really do. Because you’re trying, you’re so earnest in your suggestions. But I need to tell you when I smile and nod politely, what I’m really thinking is “if only you knew how many ‘cures’ I’ve heard.” On the off-chance you don’t see them in your newsfeed as I do, lemme give you a sampler.

Moisturizers, soaps, and natural remedies

Donkey soap. Let’s start there. Donkey soap, Himalayan yak milk, super ripe banana peels, all will cure my skin. Apparently, so will baths in my own urine. Clear skin is only a tub of urine away, folks. If that doesn’t work, try throwing in some Dead Sea salt, or is it Epsom salt?

Or is it half Epsom salt and half Dead Sea salt, but only if the water temperature is exactly 37C and the water is non-fluoridated? Have you tried a Listerine compress yet? Maybe that’s your problem.

On second thought, perhaps the real trick is eating one spoonful of unpasteurized honey every day while listening to Gregorian chant music. Or this very exclusive brand of green tea. Or maybe it’s colloidal silver, people love that one. Just be careful not to use too much or your skin will turn blue forever.

The diet suggestions

Vicki, have you tried going on a gluten-free diet? That helped my friend Sally. Oh, you’ve already done that? Well, then you should try a vegan diet. Although oily fish is great, so add those in.

Actually, the grains and beans from a vegan diet have lectins and that's the real cause, so you should go Paleo, but only if you use grass-fed butter and get regular chiropractic adjustments. Keto is much better, but red meat causes inflammation, so never mind.

Vitamins and supplements

What about supplements? Have you tried taking a lethal dose of Vitamin D? Or maybe probiotics, or magnesium, or quercetin, or turmeric, or calcium?

Have you tried taking them all at the same time? My hairdresser told me that psoriasis is caused by B12 deficiency, so you should probably look into that. Nightshades are killer, stay away from those, but then colourful veggies are supposed to help, so who knows. You should eat lots of fruit, especially berries, but actually, fruit is sugar which feeds Candida and that’s bad for psoriasis so lay off the fruit altogether.

Please stop using the word "cure"

There is no cure for psoriasis, friends. If there was a cure, I guarantee you we’d know about it. We’re a pretty tight bunch. But no one thing works for everyone.

Some people find success with drinking apple cider vinegar, applying baking soda to their scalp, or cutting out dairy. And for every person who has done those things, there are two more who water fasted for 1 month and got nada.

So please, be considerate, stop using the “c” word. It stresses me out and stress is bad for my psoriasis.