We Had Plans, Psoriasis
Last updated: December 2020
We had plans, to go out, it was all planned a week in advance. Baby sitters were arranged, spending money set aside. By Wednesday the outfit was chosen, we were so excited. I was so excited. The plan was dinner with some friends, drinks, and dancing after.
When pain overcomes plans
Seeing that it is not an event that often happens in my world, you can imagine the buildup. This dream was once again short-lived. I woke up on Friday morning and my body was screaming in pain. My skin threatened to tear at my every move, no matter how small.
I knew immediately with not one single doubt that home is where I would be that night. Plans would have to be canceled. Again. I had been so careful with everything, that I ate, just before bed the night before I had been feeling fine. Once again I would be the owner, the one who canceled and the guilt was reaching new heights.
Faced with guilt
I made the call, let my girlfriends know, how I was feeling. That hopefully by lunchtime I would be feeling better and able to go out. It is incredible for me that we still try and convince ourselves of this. All-round I was met with the understanding I had grown accustomed to.
Knowing they would be out anyway having fun, hurt, and probably deeper than it should have. More than anything I wanted to be there and forget the world for a while, by lunchtime I was feeling only worse and called to cancel. My heart was heavy as I was missing out on yet another outing.
One of my friends called me a little later concerned and asked if there was anything she could do before they headed out. In our conversation, the infamous question popped out. "Can’t you stick it out, just for tonight? We really want you there. You never come out with us anymore."
The pain levels are just too much
Not wanting to ruin her mood with the deep conversation I told her we would pick the conversation up another day. I wished them well for the night and went my way home to recoup from a hard day. Why am I unable to stick it out for a night out with my girls.
So firstly I just want you to know that I understand that it was meant with love and that it was not malicious. The people in my life know that it is okay to ask me these things. Because after all if you do not ask, how will you know? This did not make me hurt less or make it feel better; I will be honest about that too. Sticking it out is not something I can do when a flare hits me full on.
Physically the pain levels are actually just too much, everything hurts, my body aches like the worst flu you have ever had. My skin feels six sizes too small for me, even the smallest movement itch and burns like a hellfire trying to escape through the cracks on my body. Often leaving blood trails on my arms.
The clarity that comes by staying in
Over the years I have learned many lessons the hard way. Putting my health first, mental and physical is one of these that I have truly learned. What would have happened if I chose to try and go out that night? I would have probably have dropped my drink somewhere along the line, cause my hands would fail me.
Feeling embarrassed and becoming deeply conscious of the stares and looks, Quiet whispers after I have walked by. My confidence will drop and then as if called to life psoriasis on my face will turn its brightest shade of red like a beacon of light.
This leaves me feeling miserable and sad and needing to go home. So I would rather stay in and let them have a wonderful night out. Another night they will hang with me at home, we will have a PJ party and it will be wonderful.
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