The Darkest Day With Psoriasis

There I sat, on the rocks facing the ocean one of the most beautiful shorelines of Southern Africa. At that moment, I wanted to walk into the ocean, and just keep walking. Why you may ask?

I had found myself in a deep and dark place a mere 2 years after being diagnosed with psoriasis. Here is the short version of how I got to be standing there and feeling like that.

How psoriasis impacted my depression

I was on a road trip with the love of my life, my skin was in one of its worst flares. The top I had chosen to wear was aggravating my skin to the point of no return. We had to stop. I had to go buy a shirt before I ripped this one-off.

We stopped and I dashed into a men’s store close by to buy the baggiest biggest coolest softest shirt I could lay my hands on.  I did not find only one, I found two. By now, of course, I was feeling rather anxious and sore and very desperate to get out of this top. What I did not take into consideration at the very moment is how I looked.

The worst day of my life

Now my whole face had psoriasis and being out in public with it is hard enough. In my current state, this was a tough one. Bright red with my face was pulsing, I was short of breath and very rushed. The cashier looked up at me, physically gasped, and took two steps away from me. She said sorry and walked away very quickly to the back of the store.

At that moment, the world stopped, and if was as if the storm inside me stopped too. Everything plummeted to the floor. A woman came out from the back of the store and I just stood there. This day and this moment will always stay with me.

The total hurt and heartache that I felt that day will always serve as a reminder to always be kind to everyone I meet. This was what I considered at the time the worst day of my life, and it still ranks.

Frustrated and embarassed

I paid for my top, left to go change in a public restroom, and tossed the old top in the dustbin. The mood was somber. I could not bring myself to repeat in words what had just happened. Something broke inside of me in that store, I had never before felt such utter humiliation, anger, sadness, all wrapped up into one feeling, and there I stood with nothing to say.

I walked down to the beach and went and found a beautiful spot with no people, no staring eyes, and no hushed voices. I sat there for about an hour or two, I no longer remember. I sat there wondering what the point of it all was.

I questioned, everything. God, people the universe, and everything in between. I cried as I had never cried before.  It felt like the world was crashing down on me. That is how I found myself sitting on that rock, wondering if I walked into the ocean and just kept going if it would all go away.

Overcoming the dark thoughts

The thing that made me come round out of my head was feeling the actual vibration of the waves crashing into the rocks, the power of the ocean, calling my name. Saying wake up. You are still here. Feel the vibration of your heart in my power.

I looked up and behind me stood a man who loved me no less for what I was going through, patiently waiting for me to do whatever it was I needed to do. Keeping an ever-watchful eye over me, but not speaking a word. He took my hand and took me home. I was very quiet for a long time, he never asked what happened and I am not sure if I ever told him.

That night a psoriasis warrior was born

That night I joined an online support group. One of the last posts I saw that night, was of a beautiful young woman from a country a million miles from mine, in shorts and a t-shirt covered in psoriasis.

She was beautiful. She was brave. She was everything I aspired to be. I looked at her image and smiled to myself deep down inside. That night as I washed away the day’s sadness and packed the hurt in my baggage to carry with me through life.

That night a warrior was born. A warrior who till today knows her greatest weapon is compassion, kindness, and respect for the ocean.