I’m Not Depressed

I have lived with psoriasis and psoriatic arthritis for many years now. I got psoriasis at a 5, psoriatic arthritis at 25. I have been on a whirl wheel for a while now. This has not been easy, but I’ve managed to find my way. When my disease is at its worst, I just stay the course. I know there are good days ahead. I wasn’t always this optimistic and upbeat. I have had a rough road to travel.

I’ve never wrote these words on paper. When I was a teenager, I had to see a psychiatrist. There, I said it. I was depressed and didn’t know how to shake it; all I did was cry all day. I was covered over 80% of my body in psoriasis, didn’t have many friends and I know the ones who said they were my friends were talking about me behind my back. I couldn’t wear short sleeves, shorts or cute skirts like regular teenage girls. I felt useless and didn’t want to live.

Noticing signs of depression

I always knew there was no cure which made it even worse to know that I would look like an elephant person for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to go on. I was in mental pain just as much as physical pain. Trust me, I tried to stay upbeat. I didn’t want any attention on me. My doctor said I was crying on the inside, but smiling on the outside. I will never forget that line. I tried to find a purpose in life, but back then there was none. The whole universe was wrong to me and I couldn’t figure out why I was here and didn’t want to be on this side.

When you’re young it’s hard to accept some things and depression was one of them. I wouldn’t allow depression to be a part of my life. It just was not me. I had to overcome a lot. I didn’t want to be sad and cry all the time. My doctor put me on medications that alter my perception of the real world or so I thought. I was always happy. Really!! I stay on drugs for a few months, let them go. I knew I had to take hold of myself and get it together.

Searching for the strength within

For the next 50 years of having psoriasis and not losing it, I knew I could do this. There was just too much to do. In my mind I knew I was strong and worked very hard to be that way. I had to find my inner strength to keep it together. I always wanted to scream at people and tell them how I felt. Stop saying things to hurt me, stop pointing at me. Stop making me feel like I’m less than a person.

I know that we do get depressed. We have a lot on our plate. Some of us might go so far into depression that you can’t shake it off and you just want to be left alone. But I’m here to tell you that you don’t have to go at this alone. There is help out there; trust me; I know how you feel, you think no one understands, but there are people who do understand.

Thankful for the support of others

I didn’t have to see the doctor for long, but I have had other support along the way. I started a support group in my area with people just like me, who understood my struggles. I talk to my doctor, friends and family. It’s ok to be sad, but don’t be sad alone.

Depression can lead to sadness, hopelessness, and even feeling like you have no reason to be here. I just want you to know that I have been there, but refuse to stay there. There were so many times in my life where I wanted people to feel sorry for me, but not anymore. I have overcome. I’m the one who decides my future. I’m my own person and I got a purpose in this life. Depression don’t live here no more. I have proven over the years that I am a force to be reckoned with. Nothing will hold me down.

I have finally moved on from that place where psoriasis tried to keep me so many years ago. I accepted the fact that I have this disease, but instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself and share my story for all to hear. I may not have had known all those years how my life was going to start, but I do have control over what happens now.

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