Gratitude Schamatitude?

I stood in the shower at 6:15 am, eating a chocolate bar. When I made it to the kitchen, finally dressed, my husband who had just returned from work for breakfast, asked me why the kids were not ready.

I nearly cried. I was having a bad day. Why?

The psoriasis creep-back

The psoriasis was back down my arms, my abdomen, under my breasts. Creeping onto my face, worsening around my ears.

Not one spot, but a lot. A mini flare- cue the unhappy emoji - the crying emoji and trying to put a fake smile on it and crack-on with life emoji.

Can I still be grateful?

Gratitude is something I have been trying for ages and have written about a few times, but when I am in a mood like this, I skim over it like the chore list left out by my more motivated self. Gratitude when I feel like this goes something like "well there's the internet and food and let me see...the kids are healthy."

Then onto the next thing.

Being a scabby robot

When I left my very secure job teaching science, part of the motivation had come as a result of hearing this saying several times:
What would people say about you at your funeral? Does that make you feel happy? And I have to be honest here- my life decisions had been playing safe after playing safe. And while teaching fulfilled me on so many levels, it wasn't challenging me enough in the right places. I had become a really busy person who did all of the jobs and never said no. Like a robot with a scaly exterior smiling and saying yes while logging all of the additional jobs into the to-do inventory regardless of requirements for sleep, nutrition, and fun.

So I left to design the life I wanted, which I have, by the way, I just didn't notice it had happened. I had become caught up in the dreams of others and marketing. (I still need a chat with myself at the checkout at age 36 to stop myself buying Kinder Eggs.)

My inner dialogue is running like this: I need to earn more...If I buy this course... I need to stop eating this...Can you relate?

Friend therapy

I am in therapy, and so is one of my oldest friends. It's beneficial when someone knows what it is like to go head to head with your hidden demons. It is, as it turns out also free therapy.

The conversation that starts: "So I told my therapist and then she said..." reveals things to your friends that you wouldn't usually say. Because your friend knows you better than your therapist, they also are way better at calling your bluff.

I was telling my friend that I felt like I was underachieving. Like I needed to keep pushing forward, but every time I did, I became ill. That I was frustrated and embarrassed that as I approach forty I am not where I thought I would be.

I feel proud of individual achievements, I celebrated this year being interviewed on BBC Radio twice and invited to speak at The Psoriasis Association AGM, but not proud of the wholeness of me.

FYI being unhappy with your life situation = stress which = psoriasis which is not talked about enough.

My friend laughed out loud.

She was envious of my success. Mine!?

Changing my perspective

She outlined that it was incredible that I had been brave enough to endure pregnancy and childbirth that I managed to stay smiling while cooking for three attention-seeking children. She admired that I hadn't gone back to university (I considered for a long time retraining as a doctor) but that I had used the skillset from my first couple of degrees to set myself up with a job I love, with hours I can dictate. So it turns out that I have been an idiot (not unusual) because my gratitude was often superficial.

Acknowledging my accomplishments

What you live and what you know becomes so every day you don't notice it. If you spend time going back, to see the adversity you had to overcome to get there- then you realize how magnificent some of your 'everyday' accomplishments are.

I am often surprised when people are impressed that I have my own podcast (because I feel like its a normal thing to work with now). On reflection though - I am proud of my past self for starting a podcast when I consider that:

• I learned how to set up equipment and use free software by myself using the internet.
• I overcame the fear of rejection when inviting guests
• I had to listen to my voice during editing (spend a moment feeling how uncomfortable that is)
• I made peace with the fact that no one would listen, and if they did - they may send me hate mail or troll me on Instagram (I currently have 15K downloads at episode 27 and haven't yet received any hate mail).
• I learned how to use graphics software so that I could have cover art... the list goes on.

Small and large accomplishments

Think of something you do now. Parenting your child for example, what adversity did you have to overcome to be the parent you are now? There will be so many things. I remember freaking out because I didn't know how to tuck my baby into bed correctly...and eight years later he is still alive. Incredible. Just because other people have done what you have done does not make your achievement any less incredible. What else is there that you do? Just spend a moment glowing in what you have become because I guarantee it's so much more than you realize.

Future dreams from a time traveller

I mentioned earlier that looking to the future (albeit dead) version of me helped me quit my job. Now go back to when you were younger, before you were sucker-punched by societies' expectations. I remember sitting in my kitchen as a recently qualified teacher telling my friend that my dream job would be to teach part-time so I could spend time with my future imaginary children, with my beautiful house, gardening, and pulling up my vegetables to cook something wholesome for my family.

Somewhere along the lines that dream morphed into some gross love child of the following: a 1950s housewife meets convenience food meets 80's influenced career-driven woman. It was never going to end well. Remembering that conversation and giving it space to percolate through the vacuous caverns of overwhelm in my brain, helped generate this moment of clarity.

• I don't earn loads of money, but I control my income
• I would do my 'work' for free, it's what I'm meant to do
• I manage my work hours

For me, real gratitude involved time traveling back to my twenties and realizing, I had the tools to be the person I wanted to be if I made some rearrangements in my perspective.

Have a daily mantra

You are enough.

You are enough just as you are.

You have achieved so much already.

Its time for self-love and its time for self-compassion.

Psoriasis can make us feel lesser; it can make us feel embarrassed, guilty, and ashamed, but it isn't who you are.

You are enough just as you are.